Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
