When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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