2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
