I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
