I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
