Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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