I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize