The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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