I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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