why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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