i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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