I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
