you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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