Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
