we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
