I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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