just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
