I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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