also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
