My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
