New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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