my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
