I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
