Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
