life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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