Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
