I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
