God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
