Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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