I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Never joke about your clitoris.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
