Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
