this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
