I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Randomize
