I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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