Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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