I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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