FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
