How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
