worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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