I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
