I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
