I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
