Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
