You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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