your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
