can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Can I color on your dick again?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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