a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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