GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
