i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
