Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
