he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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