He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
