Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
