Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
