Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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