the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
