Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Randomize
