You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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