It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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