I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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