At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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