my phone needs a breathalizer
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
