i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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