girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
