my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
